Left behind

You can never go back.

Just came back from a very short weekend on the Slope, Ithaca, NY.

Sadly, I realized-- I'm just too old for this stuff.

The gorges, the quad, the lake, the slightly-too-well-cared-for-flowers, everything was the same. And yes, I loved being back in collegetown, ordering late night food from campusfood.com, drinking beer at the nines, staying up till the sunrise talking about random thoughts. And yes, the weather was gorgeous, cool breeze, beautiful sunshine and crisp, clean air. The Pussycat Dolls were above awesomeness, I mean those girls can sing and dance! Everything about Ithaca was so much home and it was great to be back with people I have lived with and cared for, my family away from family.

Yet, I realized, more deeply in my core, that my college days are over.

My innocence had died during my past year away from the ivory tower.

I was no longer one of them, these carefree dreamers that have nothing but the rose tinted future ahead of them, free from exams, free from classes... until the start of finals.

Yes, what the upperclassmen had told me was true, college really is the best time of your life. And that Ithaca is absolutely gorges.

And I felt Cornell becoming so much more alien to me than it had ever been before.

Maybe that's why the first thing this morning, I went to Olin library, to the Asian language collection. When I was moving out last year, I had donated a couple Korean books to the library. I had noticed that a lot of the books in our library had the donator's name inscribed by Cornell on the front. A memoir of who had been there, I had always thought. A small piece of a human being left forever behind the institution we came to love. After some tedious browsing through stacks and stacks of dust covered paper, I finally found my book, picked it up, and turned to the first page.

But nothing was there. Just a new call number written on the front page, with a Cornell University Library stamp. There I was, rejected and forgotten. So I was unable to leave even my name in a book before leaving this place. What was I even doing here.

And then I came across some of the class of 09 members on the street. They asked me why I had not come to say hi at church graduation ceremony. One of them told me that a graduating senior had told the church members that his most memorable memory at Cornell was when he went to Washington DC for a mission trip that I had lead during spring break. I talked to a ChemE 09 girl who was my mentee during her freshman year, and realized, she actually lived the college experience I had truly tried to inspire in her during that time. A few girls remembered my short pieces that I have written for the church magazine and told me how they missed it. And Anthony, my goldfish that kept me sane during my hectic senior year, was still alive and well and a favorite amongst the fellowship.

I have fought vanity all my life, fighting against working hard to be recognized, just doing good because it is good; but sometimes that fight is just to difficult in a world like today, where success depends on self-promotion, and where absolute good rarely wins over absolute evil. Sometimes, you just need that pat on the back, the scratch behind your ears, you do crave for some selfish spotlight. And those brief, unplanned conversations were exactly that. Who cares if I could not leave a name in the library collection, who cares if I no longer can be a drunk college kid again. I left a legacy here, a piece of myself behind. Oftentimes I have felt so alienated by the inspiration I received from my own upperclassmen and the lack I felt of my inspiring the people who came after me. But now I realized, there are people who remember me. There are people who will remember me, as I remember the people before me, and a little piece of me will still remain on the Hill. I can never be completely severed from my alma mater, because I have made a difference somewhere, in someone's memory. So it is true, as my fond Cornell teddy bear declares, someone at Cornell loves me, until the last day Cornell remains the educational institution of choice. 

I guess life continues on like this. Life is a journey, as we all say, because traveling always brings new enlightenment. Perhaps one day I will come to miss Houston as well, and the relationships that I have twined in this foreign southwestern state. Because there is just no way you can severe memories from someone else you have influenced, even if you yourself had forgot how much you cared. Just as I will always remember the memories of the people who came before me, and how much they had cared for me.

Flood

North America is a huge piece of land.

Why on Earth did anyone think of establishing a settlement in Houston?

During my 9 months here I have experienced hurricane, flood, hail, tropical storms, and believe it or not, snow. Oh yes, and heat, heat, heat, heat, and heat. Out of all the natural disasters people can face, I think the only ones left for this place is earthquake, volcano, and landslides.  No offense, but this place is definitely not my idea of paradise.

Just complaining my head off for being stranded at home due to high waters. Argh. 

Historical record

April 23, 2009.

Gave up and turned on AC.

Blah.

Houston.

But Matisse came back to normal after AC on!!

Random thoughts

1. The main reason why I got a cat was because I didn't want to deal with training.. Little did I know that this little rascal needs so much work.

2. My art teacher likened my drawing's to Rembrandt's! I am honestly really honored. And since I am also vain, I plan to go see his portrait at the Museum of Fine Arts this weekend.

3. Should I bake brownies or no.. I know it's 10:56 PM and that I have an 8 AM meeting tomorrow.....

4. Wow, seriously, has it been almost a year since I graduated?

Stranger in a strange land

Recently, I found a website on my company's expatriate resources that helps people moving into managerial positions in other countries. Although I know that I am probably not quite in the managerial position yet, I love taking personality tests, and decided to give it a try.

Before giving out the country info, this website asks 135 personality questions to see what your individual preferences are. You can then select the country that you want to move to, and see where you may experience conflict with the country's general corporate culture.

Out of curiousity, and mostly because it is where I am currently working, I selected USA. Apparently, I am not very compatible with the US of A in terms of communications, social structure, public space, time management, thinking preferences, environmental flexibility, and the list goes on and on. Feeling very abandoned, I tried seeing how I matched with South Korea. Sadly, I am almost as much incompatible with my own "motherland" as I am with my adopted quarters. Also confirming my long held belief that the only place that will accept me as the way I am is probably Mars.

Eager to grasp onto hope, I tried my luck with Angola, where my work is located. Amazingly, I am remarkably in sinc with the Angolan work culture, compared to that of the US or Korea. Well, there you have it people. I guess I am destined to stay an oil worker to Africa the rest of my life.

Speaking of foreign life, my brother is in the ROK Air Force, serving his two years in obligatory service. Since he has no girlfriend that I know of and my parents are not the most dovey people in the world, it automatically means that I will be assuming the role of showering him with letters. Written three so far, and since training lasts another two weeks, I just have seven more left to go. Already running out of stuff to talk about though; how do people actually maintain a prolonged one-way conversation with someone in the army?

Trust

If I can get through this, I can definitely get through marriage.

Random Thoughts

1. I feel so disposable at work. Am I that disposable at work? Well, of course I am disposable at work, and it is definitely not the best position to be in.

2. Domino's started a new online ordering system where you can actually track the progress of your pizza order. Actually really cool. Americans are becoming more Asian.

3. Matisse is getting fat. But she's not eating all her food. Is she feasting on cockroaches while I am at work?

4. Speaking of Matisse, she is now answering to her name being called about 70% of the time. Now to convince her that nail clipping is chic....

5. I love cities. I need theatre and museums and culture in my life. I need fiction and creativity. I am going to die otherwise.

Enlightenment

I am fast realizing that it is impossible to educate the uneducated.
Sorry, Kant, you had it all wrong.
Social privilage, exposure, genetics, I do not know what it is;
It is simply impossible to have fun with people that are not in the same rung of the ladder as yourself.
Guess I will be happy once I give up on humanity then.
And unfortunately for me and humanity, I am officially learning how to become happy.
Good-bye sudden urge to hang a noose around someone's neck, whether that would be myself or somebody else.



By the way, for those people that I still love,
I opened the comments function on the blog so you can leave me lovely messages!
I got to figure out how to open a guestbook, but that's what engineers are for, eh?

New hobby

I decided my new "active American" hobby should be bicycling.

The plan is to start riding to Memorial Park from my apartment, an approximately 10 mile ride.

Perhaps after that I will eventually be able to start riding IN the park once my stamina builds up.

So I bought my bike.

And it's been 5 days and no riding since.

I have several excuses for procrastinating activeness.

For once, I have been very busy this week... for some reason.

I haven't had a chance to ride the bike.

Two, I am kind of scared riding on the streets of Houston.

I do have some experience of mild harassment while WALKING on the streets of Houston... sigh.

I am thinking perhaps I will stop being so Asian and invest in a bike rack for my car so that I can carry the bike to a nearby park.

And recently, I have been noticing so many cars on the roads with bike racks attached to the back.

Of course, I have never noticed this before.

Has a fad for biking begun in the city of Houston?

Is it an April thing?

Am I just starting to notice things?

I do not know. One thing for sure, I definitely will try to get that thing out tomorrow for a ride.

Because from my weekend experience, Matisse certainly is never going to voluntarily walk on a leash.

My gosh, I wish I lived in Boston.

Providence

I know I don't talk about my religion too often.
But sometimes... I don't know.
My life is just too filled with miracles for me to not believe that there is Providence that guides me.
How can all of this just be mere coincidence? What are the odds?
The only sane explanation is actually the most insane one, that it must be because of my parents prayers, and the path that He has set for my life.
How else can the world change to revolve around my needs?


My God, you deserve much more than my life.



Hopefully, I'll have more time to update. I have too many hobbies these days it seems, I can't get on my computer at all.

In love.. let me blabber a bit

I know it's really stupid to be affected so much by a 5 pound animal

But sincerely, I think I am so in love.

Which is where, I guess, the stereotypical single lady living alone with a cat symbology comes from.

Honestly, I don't really think I need anything else.

How can such a tiny creature be so complex?

Sometimes

Sometimes I don't even understand why I keep on trying.

It's about obligation. The drive to help.

And I know it's not about instant gratification, that I am supposed to be misunderstood and my job underestimated.

But you know, sometimes.

You do miss that pat on your back.

I want to talk to a real person

Do customer service representatives on the other side of the telephone realize that most of the things they claim/say make absolutely no common sense?

Do lawyers actually read your e-mail when you're asking a very important question regarding your legal status?

Do people these days actually listen anymore?

The economics wins!!!

And cat it is.

Welcome home Etude.

Opus, I promise I will pick you up once I buy that condo where I will be able to keep you without a crazy landlord looking over my shoulder and worrying about soiling the carpet!

In order for me to do that, please do understand that bringing home Etude first will allow me to save twice more than bringing you home first.

I know it is not your fault that dogs are expensive and symbolizes the upper middle class

But it seems that for an engineer like me, numbers always win.

I will see you sometime next year!

++

Wow, I just realized.

It's really really sad that wanting to have a dog can be a motivator to buy a house and settle down in a city that you never imagined you'll want to settle down in......

Now I'm really scared to get married<-

Btw, would Matisse be a better name for a cat?

What is this?

Something.. changed today

I cannot pinpoint what it may be

Am I naive if I say perhaps it's just that my prayers are finally being answered?

Saying no to a puppy dog in your arms is THE most heartbreaking thing to do.

I have a feeling that I probably won't be able to keep saying no for very long.

Fog

With mornings like these I can almost believe that I am not living in oil country, Houston, Texas.

But such dreams must phase with a single cup of coffee and the glorious sun billowing with the Lone Star flag.

All that brightness, simplicity, warm/fuzzy/coziness-- just let me mourn for that morning when the city whispered and sighed, when for once, at last, this city had Soul.

Greatest dilemma on Earth

I think I finally reached a point in time when one must muster all courage to make one of life's most crucial decisions. 

I shall get a dog. Or a cat. Actually, I haven't decided. Kind of.

Frankly, I don't understand the whole deal behind cat people and dog people.

When cornered for a single answer, I'd answer that I'm a cat person. Cats are by far the superior animal. They don't cling for your affection, tend for themselves, independent, and scoff at your subpar decision making ability; but they are there for you after a hard day's work and you need some chocolate ice-cream and an episode of Sex and the City. Living with a cat is like living with a human roommate. 

By no means does that mean I'd say no to owning a dog. Of course, a dog requires more time and attention on your part and is definitely clingy (perhaps even stupid). But what kind of non-extinct, mobile organism will shower you with such love and happiness just because you're alive for them... regardless of the fact that it's just their instinct telling them to bond to the dominant leader, not that they actually feel human compassion. Who cares what goes on in a dog's mind, modern man needs a false illusion of hope. A dog is a perpetual 5 year old boy with a crush on his kindergarden teacher. Creepy, but sadly comforting.

Yet, society seems to believe single women living alone with a cat to be abysmally lonely and sad. Women who cannot afford or wish to give affection choose to get a cat because it is the easier choice of the two. Single women living alone with a dog seem to be active, social, sporty, (and in case of purebred ownership), rich. Which is absolutely not true.

Yet, I am a very superficial person. And a sucker.

So regardless of all my ranting, I am busy dog shopping and puppy researching right now. This is a great upgrade in my perceived social status from my days when I researched solely on cats and refused to have anything to do with dogs. And the more I look into the dog option, the more I'm convinced that I'll be able to make it. Being naive and uninformed, potty training is the only concern I have regarding getting a dog. Who cares if the poor thing is left alone for 10 hours a day while I work hard to put food in it's tiny ceramic bowl. Dogs are eager to please, it'll teach itself to act like a cat. 

Of course, websites probably exaggerate the easiness of potty training a 2 month old pup. But hey, if I succeed in potty training, maybe I'll actually succeed raising my future kid to get into Harvard. My kid should technically be more intelligent than a newborn puppy. Plus, I'll finally get that exercise my doctor keeps recommending.

So here goes. If things go right (or terribly wrong), by next week I'll have a tiny baby corgi whimpering on my kitchen floor.