Saturday, November 28, 2009

The good, the bad, the ugly

I can choose to see the good, and I can choose to see the bad.
I can choose to see our similarities, and I can choose to see our differences.
I can choose to see how much you prosper in your independence, and I can choose to see how much you ache to be with me.
Everything is a calculation, a decision, a choice.
I am happy that I can choose to live my life this way.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Of bugs and cats and trauma

I noticed that after the adoption of the cat, roach and lizard sightings within my apartment walls were decreased to almost zero. Since I have observed Matisse catch and chew on a fruit fly before, I just assumed that the disappearance on vermin had something to do with the predatory instincts of the domestic house cat.

I witnessed survival of the fittest in my kitchen last night. Nature at its best.

Matisse really, really likes to get into my cabinets whenever I open it to scoop up some rice for dinner. I actually have to stand in front of the door whenever I open the cabinet and try to block the opening with my lets. The cat always finds a way to weave through and get her way, however, and I had to wonder why. Unfortunately, last night, I had to find out. Matisse was in the cabinet again, proudly displaying a 2-inch-long cockroach that apparently she had just caught.

For all of my Yankee friends out there, you have probably never imagined that such a monster could actually exist. And consider yourselves truly blessed. Warm weather all year long, damp atmosphere and abundant fauna had allowed nature to create the mutant cockroach. If you squish this thing on the wall, you will have to repaint the wall, no joke. It is the size of your thumb, it flies, and it is not afraid of light. In fact, the first time I have seen one of these things, it flew INTO light, making it even more creapier. And it looks just like a regular cockroach you would see in an apartment in New York City. Ironically, these cockroaches are supposed to be clean and docile, and Houstonians call them "Tree Roaches" or "Water Bugs". Yeah, right.

Thankfully, a blogger for the Houston Museum of Natural Science claims that these bugs do not mean an infestation within your own house. Apparently, they really do prefer to live in trees and have a hard time reproducing within your own walls. All my coworkers try to reassure me that finding a mutant bug in your kitchen is much, much better than finding a regular sized bug; the regular roaches, or "german roaches", actually do reproduce in your apartment and probably signal a deadly infestation. (http://blog.hmns.org/?tag=roaches-are-obsessed-with-cleanliness)

Regardless, I still called up my apartment management first thing in the morning to have my kitchen treated for roaches. And I still have no idea what I am going to do with the bag of rice that was in the cabinet that the cat and bug was there. Matisse, apparently finding this a good joke, munched up the body of the roach and left its legs and antennae neatly on the floor for me to clean up. I swear, the size of one of the legs was 2.5 inches long. Now that I have calmed down a bit I worry that the roach may have been previously poisoned and whether this will hurt the cat since this apartment complex treats for roaches every week. But she seemed perfectly fine this morning, although she did seem a bit bewildered when I proceeded to brush her teeth and wipe her paws before I gave her the morning cuddle.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Cranberries

Trying hard to find my muse.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Acrylic

There is something extraordinarily therapeutic in the art of painting.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Leviticus

"As for the live bird, he shall take it together with the cedar wood and the scarlet string and the hyssop, and shall dip them and the live bird in the blood of the bird that was slain over the running water" -Leviticus 14:6

I understand through the book of laws that I should live, not by optimism, but by faith. I do understand that there may be good in this decision that was made upon me. 

But a bird in my heart was torn into two; that bird lies there and refuses to mend.
The live bird was dipped in the blood of the torn.
I smell its blood.
The scent is too fragrant, I cannot stop my tears.

I understand that in the grand scheme of things, a couple of years will not ruin my life.
Sensitivity is the trademark of immaturity, and I understand why this is inevitable.

But I lie here and refuse to heal.
I will lie hear in the pool of my own watery blood.
And I will hurt, and hurt, and hurt, and hurt
until the tears wash off the remnants of my dead bird off my sheets.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Kitteh

The most reassuring feeling in the world is your cat taking a nap with its back snugly leaning against your own back. The most comforting feeling is the sound of her purring against your hair.

Give a guy a guitar and a sweet voice, and suddenly he becomes a gazillion times more attractive than what he probably is. What I am saying is, JASON MRAZ WAS SO FREAKIN' AWESOME IN CONCERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Plastic Currency

As a person who has experienced non-US capitalism before drenching herself deep into the pits of US commercialism, the most shocking aspect of the US economy is its concept of debt. Although I have heard that things are changing rapidly in South Korea as well, at least based on my personal experience, debt is a mostly negative concept. Unless one is in danger of becoming homeless the very next day, regular consumers do not go apply for debt. If one cannot afford a luxury car, so be it. One will opt for a city-sized Kia, or even better, will just take the subway to anywhere they wish. If someone is driving a Mercedes E-Class sedan in the streets of Seoul, you better believe that the person actually owns that gorgeous machine, while the same car in the US is most likely borrowed from a loaning company.

But freedom of being in debt is what made US capitalism so prolific. Borrowed money allows the market to expand several times as what it really should be. And borrowing money is such a normal concept to US consumers, no one thinks twice about what a huge fairy tale the economy is made up of. A consumer in the US with loads of debt in their bank account, whether it is a vehicle loan, or a mortgage, or credit card debt, is free of the social shame associated with such of a consumer in Korea. And since the US consumer has free access to borrowed money, the consumer has no need to work tireless hours during weekends in order to earn up that weekend country club membership. More free time, more time to spend. More false spending, larger market, building of more capital, more "wealth" for everyone to share. I assume a similar principal applies to industrial banking as well. More access to borrowed money for a corporation, more investment from borrowed capital, larger market.

It seems like a lot of economists attribute this falsely large market to the economic downturn that we are currently experiencing. Since I am not an expert in this field, I will have to assume that what these people are saying is true. The thing is though, even though the experts realize borrowed capital is the reason for the fall, the attitude towards debt of normal citizens has not really changed. People still "buy" houses with only 5% down-payment. People still "buy" luxury sedans with a 5 year loan. In fact, some economists (and mostly banks) continue to encourage this trend, mostly because borrowed debt and falsely large size of market is what made the US so much richer than any other country in the world. Debt is both the weakness and the strength of the uniquely insane US capitalism. Consumers of this huge market refuse to downsize their living standards because the possibility of a giant bubble burst in the near future. This is a country where people living on the streets own cell-phones and complain about the variety of the food given to them through charitable institutions.

I am blabbering about the economy because I am experiencing this phenomena first hand. Two months ago, I decided to cut down my credit card usage. My goal is to eventually cut it down to a few bucks a month. One reason was that the idiot credit card companies decided to give the irresponsible single asian girl living right next to one of the largest malls in the world a credit limit that will surely ruin her life. The other reason was that after making a budget of my expenses for the first time (for those living in the US, try out the financial program mint.com. It is absolutely awesome for lazy but poor people like me), I realized that most of my spending was on credit card debt. That was fine when my credit limit was one that I could afford. Not when it is something that will certainly put me on the streets.

But by cutting my spending to only what I can afford, I am painfully realizing how poor I really am and that MY own economy was made up of false illusions as well. In my own mind, I think I have assumed that the money in my bank account AND my credit limit was money that I owned. Which was why I was able to spend as much as I have the past year. After cutting my credit card usage drastically, my credit card money is no longer money I can spend. It feels to me like my income has just slashed in half.

And here's the beauty of it. My income has NOT slashed in half. It is exactly the same. Yet it FEELS like my income has slashed in half, thus I am cutting my expenses accordingly. Less spending is probably the best economical decision for me as an individual. But if every person in the US follows my suit, the US market would probably slash in half, or even more, depending on how much debt a person owes. Which translates to less wealth translated into the market, slower growth and possibly lower standards of living. This may not be the best outcome for the economy as a whole.

I guess this is why nature leaves economically irresponsible people in the gene pool. And why there seems to be much more of these kinds of people in the US than in Korea. So they can drown themselves in debt in order to sustain the economy, while stingy immigrants live poor only on the money they actually hold in their hands. This is why the US is such a great country. There is a niche for every type of individual in society.